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Figuring life out - Vritiz Almanac

Updated: May 12

Growing up is a funny, exhilarating, exhausting, and occasionally (more often than not) depressing experience. It is filled with surprises and spontaneity. As a kid, I never really imagined this stage of my life to be this complicated. I pictured my life as a kid that will eventually become a grown-up. There was no growing-up stage– there would just be a grown-up who had the freedom to do whatever she likes, the means to bring her realities to life, and a grown-up who has already figured things out. The child me failed to factor in the growing up stage– a process that I know now to be a lifetime thing.


At 18, I had my life mapped out, or at least I thought I did. It was a straightforward plan: finish high school, snag a spot at Delhi University, ace the Civil Services exam, and boom! I'd be on my way to join the illustrious Indian Foreign Services. How practical, right? I didn’t think anything can go wrong. How can it go wrong when there is only one path to take? But then life threw me a curveball. Suddenly, there were other options, other avenues to explore. It was like discovering a whole new map with multiple routes, each promising something different and me wanting to try every new thing keeping up with my allrounder personality. Exciting, right? Well, not exactly. Because with all these new paths came a daunting realization—I couldn't see where any of them led. It was like navigating through a thick fog; I could barely make out what lay ahead. Too many twists, too many turns, and the end goal? A distant blur on the horizon.

The excitement I used to feel, that spark that ignited every morning, well, it vanished like a wisp of smoke. The future I meticulously crafted in my head, the one replayed on a loop for motivation, now felt like a faded photograph, the details blurred beyond recognition. Suddenly, I wasn't the protagonist in this grand story anymore. I was relegated to the sidelines, watching from the bleachers as everyone else seemed to be living their best, most vibrant lives. They were the brightly colored characters, all confident and dazzling, while I was stuck in a muted tone, knees pulled tight to my chest, trying to silence the roar of confusion swirling around me, because the 23 year old self wants to experience so much in life, why are we asked to choose one sole path so soon?

My days became stuck on repeat, a broken record skipping over the same tired tune. Even though I wasn't exactly pushing myself as hard, everything felt like a chore. It was like dragging myself through mud – slow, tiring, and pointless.  My affirmation notes, those reminders I used to write myself every day, started looking like scribbles from a different language. I couldn't remember what they meant anymore, what sparked that fire in me before.

Honestly, I miss my energy, my 100% even on days when I’m already exhausted, the optimism my younger self-experienced; at this point, I can barely find traces of that 18-year-old girl who dreamt of everything. Back then, everything seemed possible, like the world was a giant playground waiting to be explored. Now, it feels like that spark, that little kid with big dreams, is just gone. We all think we're gonna change the world someday, leave some kind of amazing mark. But right now, all I really want is to find my purpose again, even if it's not something earth-shattering.

This year, turning 24, Everyone else seems to be zipping through their twenties, crushing goals and living their best lives. Here I am, still stuck in the scrambling to remember the plot of my story. It's not that I haven't been trying – I pictured myself way ahead of this by now, with a fancy job and maybe even travelling the world solo.

Honestly, sometimes I feel even more lost than when I was just 18. Back then, everything seemed like a giant playground, full of possibilities. Now, the world feels so much bigger, and it's kind of scary. It's like I'm not new here anymore, but every corner I turn throws something new at me, some amazing idea I never even knew existed. It's like information overload, and it makes my brain feel like a scrambled egg.

One minute I feel like I'm drowning in this sea of "shoulds" – should have this job, should be traveling the world, should already know what I want to do with my life. The next minute, I feel like a tiny kid facing a giant monster, armed with nothing but a chewed-up pencil and a fistful of determination.

 The truth is, I'm scared. Scared of messing up, scared of missing out, scared of ending up in the wrong place. But then I remember that feeling in my tummy, that little flutter that gets stronger every morning – the one that whispers, "Hey, you woke up today. That's a win already."

But this whole journey isn't just about the destination. It's about the ride, too. Sometimes I get so focused on the future, I forget to breathe and soak it all in. Because let's be real, early 20s, they fly by like fireflies in the night. There's a magic to them, a kind of carefree joy that you can only have once. I don't want to miss a single sunset, a single giggle with friends, a single chance to try something new, even if it scares the socks off me. Every experience, good or bad, even the awkward ones that make me wanna crawl under the covers, they all turn into stories I can tell later, memories that make me smile when I'm old and wrinkly.

Zindagi choti nahi hoti, hum jeena hi der se shuru karte hai,
jab tak raaste samajh mein aate hai,
tab tak lautne ka waqt hojaata hai!
- Irrfan khan

Sure, the perfect path might still be hidden around the bend, like a secret treasure waiting to be found. Maybe I'll take some wrong turns, hit a few dead ends, but that's okay. It's all part of the adventure, right? Like exploring a giant maze, with twists and turns that surprise me at every corner. But with each step, I learn a little more about myself, about what makes me tick, what makes my heart sing. I'm open to trying anything, everything, until I find the path that feels like home, the one that makes my soul dance. It's all about keeping my heart open, my eyes wide, and taking it all in, one joyful, messy, beautiful step at a time, because it's not always important to have it all figured out.




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